I had a nice message from Clueless and amongst other things I was asked about my background and I realised I don't have a profile on my blog and haven't really discussed my past life that much. Perhaps now is a good time... let's find out...

I have been working in IT for more than 17 years and do so because I feel comfortable working with computers, enjoy problem solving and most importantly I enjoy helping people. As a child I was too scared to spend much time with my parents so when I got a computer I spent almost all my time in my bedroom programming (problem solving) and playing computer games. During my teen years I found that I was actually rather good with computers and that I could use the skill to help people and this really helped my self-esteem.

My father had spent a number of years in the Navy which fitted in very nicely with his childhood experience and he certainly decided to carry on the naval discipline at home. My mother has always been a nurse and if anyone ever needs help then she is always the first to volunteer and I have plenty of memories of her helping old ladies who had fallen over or children who were lost. At an early age my mother had lost her mother and looked after her two brothers and her father. She certainly is a caring person but my dad is a bully and she has never been able to stand up to him and he always took priority over my sister and me. She left him on more than one occasion but always went back and when we talked about this she would say that she couldn't manage with out him and it was the best thing for us all. I'm not sure I would agree as his constant strive for perfectionism in his children, lack of tolerance with childish behaviour (I wasn't even allowed to watch cartoons) and his quick temper and vocal opinions meant that most of my childhood I just tried to keep my head down. By the time I was a teenager I was pretty mixed up and missed lots of school to the extent that my parents were threatened with court action. I had problems with authority, suffered bullying from bigger children, I was a bully myself and very unhappy.At the age of 14 I stood up to my father in an argument about a Rubiks cube and watched my mum cower in her armchair whilst he threatened me and hit me. I ran out of the house and slept rough for the night until I was persuaded by my girlfriends parents to return home. For the next 7 years my father did not talk to me, if I was starting to go up the stairs he would puposefully come down them at the same time and give me a shove as we passed, my mum and sister pressured me for years to apologise to my father and try to sort things out but I felt like they were talking to the wrong person but it didn't stop the pressure.

I left high school with a few GCSEs and went on a government training scheme where I got paid a few quid for going to YTS college and doing a few days work for a local employer.Within a few months I had done 2 years worth of courses at the YTS college and my employer decided to take me on full time. The salary didn't increase but I did learn new skills and I rather enjoyed the variety in my work. Wherever I have worked I have always done well because I understand the rules and having rules that I can understand and which don't change all the time made life really easy and so work was always better than being at home. In my early twenties I met someone at work and we bought a house together, she suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and depression and I was able to help her. Soon we started talking about getting married and having a family and at this point I spoke to my Dad and explained that it would be a shame if his attitude prevented him from enjoying the experience of being a grandfather and so he changed (a bit) and we talked more (well, he spoke and I listened. I got married and the pressure was on to start a family but I just couldn't do it and became very anxious and depressed. Eventually my wife had enough and left me as she felt I would never change and she was running out of time to have children. It was really hard to make the decision not to have children but in the end I know that I done the right thing even though it ended my marriage.

Separation from my wife was difficult and my mental health plummeted and everything felt so hopeless and futile that I thought a lot about suicide. I started counselling and medication but had problems even thinking about the medication so dropped it quite quickly and kept on with the painfull counselling. The counselling helped me a bit and I started to get out more and get a bit of a social life and my best friend really helped me with this. I then met my current partne, bought a house near her and within a couple of weeks she had moved in and the next stage of my life began. I had stopped counselling but now that I was living with someone and had a new job I realized that it was important that I started counselling again and so my partner found me a counsellor who was absolutely fantastic and really helped me to explore my past and my feelings. After a while my partner and I started talking about a family and we decided to move from North London to the Cambridge area as it seemed a much nicer place to bring up a family. New job, new house and sooned followed by the birth of my twin daughters and life was good and I stopped the counselling (it was costing too much anyway) but after about 6 months I knew things were bad and I needed more help. The doctors prescribed me various medicines and got me mentally assesed but they said I had a personality problem and couldn't help me (apparently and I got this from a mental health professional, if you have a new family they believe you will learn a lot from having children and so are less likely to take you on as a case!). Having children made life quite complicated with my parents who wanted to take over and do everything (afterall they were the perfect parents!) and the relationship between my family and my partner broke down and became very stressfull. Having children bought out my perfectionism and so home and work became very stressfull for everyone and I felt like I was doing very well and that I should be doing better. Further changes in medication and another mental health assessment and I learn that I am a perfectionist and can get CBT sessions through the NHS. The CBT has been incredibly useful but 7 months ago I just broke down and have had real anxiety problems since.

OK, that was just a blast from my brain and I didn't put much thought into what I wrote but hopefully it tells you a bit more about how I got where I am.