I had my weekly CBT appointment this afternoon and it proved to be a very tough one and afterwards I felt quite emotional.

After changing my medication to Fluoxetine (Prozac) my depression has got substantially better and I felt I was well on the road to recovery and yesterday I managed my first day back at work. However, it has become clear that my depression was masking other problems and in particular my anxiety and perfectionist tendencies have got a lot worse recently (or I've just started to notice them!). 

Today during CBT I think I realized quite how ill my anxiety was making me and at one stage I suggested that I sometimes feel that I would be happier being depressed again. That seems like a strange thing to say after all how can depression = happiness but I really meant it. The depression allowed me to escape the anxiety, people would leave me alone and I had an excuse to withdraw from the world but now without depression I am left with having to face my problems. I thought that depression was the worst I could feel so to find myself wanting to go back was quite a surprise.

I intend to keep taking the tablets, attending CBT and working on my problems but having suffered these sorts of problems for as long as I remember I fear that my recovery tends to go through cycles and the part of the cycle where I feel better usually ends with a very large drop back to depression again.