Many people claim that there is a link between depression and creativity and that being depressed can enhance the levels of creativity and help you to achieve things.

A google search for famous people with depression provides some interesting results and the list includes such names as Charles Dickens, T.S Eliot, Vincent Van Gogh and Ernest Hemingway who are all without doubt very creative people. Many of the depression web sites I have visited contain large amounts of poetry written by people who are depressed. So, maybe there is something in this claim?

Other famous names include Winston Churchill, Sir Isaac Newton, John D Rockefeller and Abraham Lincoln who are perhaps known for other things other than their creativity but who it could be argued achieved some great things. Did depression help these people with their achievements?

During therapy sessions I have occassionly voiced concern about how I was worried that getting better might change me so that I was less effective at work. I felt that my depression and perfectionism made me different from others and helped me to be good at what I do and although I wanted to get better I would really not want to change in anyway that might effect my performance at work. The therapist would argue that surely without my mental health problems I would perform even better but I have had problems understanding this and have had trouble accepting it.

Has depression made me a more caring and sensitive person? A lot of the people I come across seem to work in professions that directly or indirectly involve helping people would they be doing these jobs if they didn't have depression? People often comment about how I am able to empathise with others so easily and that I have an uncanny ability to put myself into other peoples shoes which helps me to help them. Would I be like that without depression?

So, is depression all negative or is there something positive from this illness? What do you think? I would be interested to hear your opinions.

Time and time again I hear people claim that if you were suffering from depression you would know and I wonder how often this misconception is preventing people from seeking help when they need it. Reading the question "Therapy now or later?" made me think about that this again.

I do not know if the people are basing the claim "You know if you are depressed" on personal experience or not and whilst it may well be true that some (who knows, maybe it's even most people?) know that they have depression and didn't need a diagnosis from a medical professional. I can tell you that I did not think I had depression (other people get depression!), did not suffer from anxiety anymore than anyone else (I am completely in control and can't possibly have anxiety!) and I was absolutely 100% certain that I wasn't a perfectionist (I wasn't good enough to be a perfectionist!).

The only reason I discovered I was depressed was because things got so bad that my wife left me and I thought going to the doctors might help get her back. If it has been suggested that you are suffering from depression and you aren't so sure then I would recommend the following:-

1. Listen to the person suggesting you are depressed.
   You don't have to agree with them but you will certainly learn things by listening to them. It could be that they need help themselves, they might have some valuable experience of depression but they are almost certainly are trying to help you.
2. Ask the person why they think you are depressed.
   It's unlikely a complete stranger is going to say you are depressed. So, I assume you have a relationship of some kind with the person and as part of a healthy relationship you will value and sometime ask for their opinion. Keep in mind that things can seem pretty different from another point of view and it may be that even if you aren't depressed then there must at least be some sort of communication problem. Asking and listening to what they think might help improve communication and strengthen your relationship.
3. Be honest with yourself.
   This is a hard one! It's hard enough when your well but if you are depressed you might have trouble with this. Your thought and behaviours will be muddled by depression so if you have any doubt at all or if the other person really does seem concerned then please always use my fourth recommendation.
4. Seek a professional opinion.
   The person best qualified to determine if you have depression is someone who has received training, has experience of mental health disorders and has the right diagnostic tools. Your first stop should be your GP and if you feel awkward seeing your normal doctor then why not see someone else?

As someone with a history of mental health problems I can look back and see that at certain times in my life I would have been the worst person to objectively assess the state of my own mental health. If you have concerns or others have concerns about how you are feeling then seeking help would be a positive way of proving that you are well or perhaps more importantly a positive step in getting better.

This could just be me but having a mental health problem often leaves me feeling quite guilty. Here are a few of my guilty feelings:-

Others suffered worse but don't seem to have these problems!

I think: When I think back to when my problems began I don't think that my childhood was anywhere near as bad as some of the other children that I had come across. So, it seems odd that my life should grind to a halt.

Therapist says: Most people have positive and negative experiences during life and use both sets of experiences during their life. Although your experiences may not have been as bad as other peoples it might be that my lack of positive experiences has left you with mostly the negative experiences on to help you through life.

I say: I accept that this is possible but I still feel very guilty.

I've grown up now why should my childhood still affect me so much?

I think: I am in my thirties now and yet my childhood experiences still very much shape my behavior. It seems to me that in some ways I have yet to grow up. 

Therapist says:  That seems perfecty reasonable considering the experiences you have had. 

I say:  It might be reasonable but it still makes me feel guilty.

Other people suffer from depression and anxiety but still manage to carry on with life!

I think: Since telling people about my problems I have come across countless other people who have suffered or are suffering from depression and anxiety. The majority of these people get on with their lives without having to take months off of work.

Therapist says:  Nothing! Actually, I didn't mention this one to the therapist but I reckon who would have said something along the lines of... You carried on for many years and have been quite successful. Few of the people in your past would have been aware of your mental state and I would imagine that they think you are getting along fine and doing well.

I say:  Yes, I know but I still feel guilty.

Hmmm, think I'm going to have to do something about feeling guilty.

I had a nice message from Clueless and amongst other things I was asked about my background and I realised I don't have a profile on my blog and haven't really discussed my past life that much. Perhaps now is a good time... let's find out...

I have been working in IT for more than 17 years and do so because I feel comfortable working with computers, enjoy problem solving and most importantly I enjoy helping people. As a child I was too scared to spend much time with my parents so when I got a computer I spent almost all my time in my bedroom programming (problem solving) and playing computer games. During my teen years I found that I was actually rather good with computers and that I could use the skill to help people and this really helped my self-esteem.

My father had spent a number of years in the Navy which fitted in very nicely with his childhood experience and he certainly decided to carry on the naval discipline at home. My mother has always been a nurse and if anyone ever needs help then she is always the first to volunteer and I have plenty of memories of her helping old ladies who had fallen over or children who were lost. At an early age my mother had lost her mother and looked after her two brothers and her father. She certainly is a caring person but my dad is a bully and she has never been able to stand up to him and he always took priority over my sister and me. She left him on more than one occasion but always went back and when we talked about this she would say that she couldn't manage with out him and it was the best thing for us all. I'm not sure I would agree as his constant strive for perfectionism in his children, lack of tolerance with childish behaviour (I wasn't even allowed to watch cartoons) and his quick temper and vocal opinions meant that most of my childhood I just tried to keep my head down. By the time I was a teenager I was pretty mixed up and missed lots of school to the extent that my parents were threatened with court action. I had problems with authority, suffered bullying from bigger children, I was a bully myself and very unhappy.At the age of 14 I stood up to my father in an argument about a Rubiks cube and watched my mum cower in her armchair whilst he threatened me and hit me. I ran out of the house and slept rough for the night until I was persuaded by my girlfriends parents to return home. For the next 7 years my father did not talk to me, if I was starting to go up the stairs he would puposefully come down them at the same time and give me a shove as we passed, my mum and sister pressured me for years to apologise to my father and try to sort things out but I felt like they were talking to the wrong person but it didn't stop the pressure.

I left high school with a few GCSEs and went on a government training scheme where I got paid a few quid for going to YTS college and doing a few days work for a local employer.Within a few months I had done 2 years worth of courses at the YTS college and my employer decided to take me on full time. The salary didn't increase but I did learn new skills and I rather enjoyed the variety in my work. Wherever I have worked I have always done well because I understand the rules and having rules that I can understand and which don't change all the time made life really easy and so work was always better than being at home. In my early twenties I met someone at work and we bought a house together, she suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and depression and I was able to help her. Soon we started talking about getting married and having a family and at this point I spoke to my Dad and explained that it would be a shame if his attitude prevented him from enjoying the experience of being a grandfather and so he changed (a bit) and we talked more (well, he spoke and I listened. I got married and the pressure was on to start a family but I just couldn't do it and became very anxious and depressed. Eventually my wife had enough and left me as she felt I would never change and she was running out of time to have children. It was really hard to make the decision not to have children but in the end I know that I done the right thing even though it ended my marriage.

Separation from my wife was difficult and my mental health plummeted and everything felt so hopeless and futile that I thought a lot about suicide. I started counselling and medication but had problems even thinking about the medication so dropped it quite quickly and kept on with the painfull counselling. The counselling helped me a bit and I started to get out more and get a bit of a social life and my best friend really helped me with this. I then met my current partne, bought a house near her and within a couple of weeks she had moved in and the next stage of my life began. I had stopped counselling but now that I was living with someone and had a new job I realized that it was important that I started counselling again and so my partner found me a counsellor who was absolutely fantastic and really helped me to explore my past and my feelings. After a while my partner and I started talking about a family and we decided to move from North London to the Cambridge area as it seemed a much nicer place to bring up a family. New job, new house and sooned followed by the birth of my twin daughters and life was good and I stopped the counselling (it was costing too much anyway) but after about 6 months I knew things were bad and I needed more help. The doctors prescribed me various medicines and got me mentally assesed but they said I had a personality problem and couldn't help me (apparently and I got this from a mental health professional, if you have a new family they believe you will learn a lot from having children and so are less likely to take you on as a case!). Having children made life quite complicated with my parents who wanted to take over and do everything (afterall they were the perfect parents!) and the relationship between my family and my partner broke down and became very stressfull. Having children bought out my perfectionism and so home and work became very stressfull for everyone and I felt like I was doing very well and that I should be doing better. Further changes in medication and another mental health assessment and I learn that I am a perfectionist and can get CBT sessions through the NHS. The CBT has been incredibly useful but 7 months ago I just broke down and have had real anxiety problems since.

OK, that was just a blast from my brain and I didn't put much thought into what I wrote but hopefully it tells you a bit more about how I got where I am. 

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. As my depression has gone my anxiety has increased and become quite bad, making life quite different from before.

When my depression got worse I found myself blogging more but with the anxiety getting worse I found completely the opposite. This was mainly due to my "bouncing around" where I could not keep focused on one thing for more than 5-10 minutes. This made meditation virtually impossible and sleeping was a nightmare (excuse the pun). Getting to sleep would take hours and even when I managed to get to sleep I kept waking up. During the day I just didn't know what to do with myself and this was causing me even more anxiety.

The doctor had prescribed me 2 Lorazapam twice a day and 1 Fluoxetine at night. The Lorazapam had previously made a difference but this time didn't seem to be helping much other than helping me get at least some sleep. The Fluoxetine certainly helps with my depression but the Psychiatrist says that taking it at night may be preventing me from sleeping well. I have lost half a stone in weight in the last couple of weeks!

So, the Psychiatrist has changed my medication so that I am gradually coming off the Lorazapam by taking one less each week. I am now on 2 x Fluoxetine and also 1 x Trazodone. The idea being that the increased Fluoxetine should help with the anxiety and the Trazodone help me to sleep. I can happily report that since the change in medicaton I am no longer bouncing around like before and my sleep has improved but I am lightheaded and sometimes dizzy and unfortunately the lost weight has gone straight back on within a week!

As for my CBT sessions they were going to stop them and review them in 3 months to see if they would still be beneficial. After a talk involving the Psychiatrist and the CBT chap I have been offered a further 6 sessions to try to overcome some of my new anxiety related issues. Personally, I feel that the CBT is being withdrawn as my condition would take up too much resources. The CBT chap has already said that my issues are related to my core beliefs and that these take the longest to deal with as they have been built up over quite a few years.

I'll try and blog more now that my anxiety is coming down...

Photo Credit: naraosga