Towards the end of my CBT sessions we went back to the subject of my parents as it was still a problem for me and wasn't something we had really worked on. Things had got really bad with my parents and I felt unable to talk to them because it was just too upsetting and fortunately they had left me alone for a few months but without contact with their grandchildren I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to face them again and with Christmas coming I knew it wouldn't be long before this would happen.

Whilst CBT had provided me with an excellent set of tools to work with I wasn't sure how I could use them to resolve the situation with my parents. The situation was made more difficult because it wasn't just my own emotions involved but also the emotions of my partner. The suggestion from my therapist was simple and just involved compassion and understanding. Just as I have suffered and made mistakes maybe it is the same for them. They have always claimed that they have tried to do their best for me (something I find hard to accept) and maybe this really is true. It could be that the experiences they had whilst growing up shaped their beliefs and they really do think they have done everything they can after all it wasn't that long ago when I had given up all hope and considered taking my own life. I really did belief it was hopeless although actually this was far from the truth.

I have come to realise that I know very little about my parents but I am aware that they had difficult childhoods. But a difficult childhood just sounds like an excuse and if they really wanted they could have made real effort in overcoming the difficulties. It was interesting when one of the people on the mindfulness course I am attending started talking about "good enough parenting" with the idea that she could never be the perfect parent but being "good enough" was OK. I could see her point and realised that perhaps I have a perfectionist attitude towards parenting which is unachieveable and unfair. 

There is one person I find harder to forgive than my parents and it probably won't surprise you to learn that the person is myself. Through the mindfulness course I learnt to be more compassionate, understanding and forgiving of myself with surprising results. Life has become more fun and being kinder to myself has helped me be more open to people and ideas. Even with my knowledge and understanding I felt I couldn't forgive my parents and even as I write this post I find forgiveness difficult to accept but there has been a considerable shift in my view and I am very interested to see how it develops. 

The words "If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?" have always sounded a bit too fluffy for my liking but I can now see the truth in this saying. If you are having trouble forgiving others I recommend you learn first to forgive yourself and then given time I believe the rest will follow.

I was practising mindful walking for 10 minutes the other day and at the end of it I wrote some notes of my experience. My mindful walking practice was just to do 10 minutes of lap of the living room with an awareness of the feelings and sensations of walking. I would vary the speed during the walk to experience the different sensations and it was interesting just how quick the 10 minutes would go and the things I would recognize and the thoughts that came into my head. 

Typically the thoughts that came to mind were about the mindfulness course and about what we had gone through in previous sessions and what we might discuss about this practice in the next session. I could also feel the different textures beneath my bare feet as I moved between the rug and the carpet and noticed the difference in temperature where the bright sun shone in through the front room window in the mornings and the lower temperature in the shade by the patio doors. Balancing required thought which is odd because normally I walk without any attention to balance - it just happens.

For me one of the more interesting aspects of my practice was that each time I would get part way through the walk and look at the clock. If the clock showed I had done like 8 minutes of the 10 minutes practice I would feel an urge to stop. After all 2 minutes less of practice surely wouldn't make that much difference and who else would know I was skipping time? However, just recognizing the urge made me consider the options available to me and each time this urge occurred I chose to continue for the full 10 minutes when it would have been ever so easy to have just accepted the urge and stopped.

The mindful walking has been quite tricky for me and it's taken time to recognize the benefits but I am rather pleased how it has taught me to see the options available and choose the one that makes me happiest when before I might have just gone for the easiest one.

I have just got back from my fourth mindfulness course and I have to say I am very much enjoying it. As part of our review today we reviewed how the previous weeks homework went and I said something that I wanted to write down in the hope that it reinforces the experience.

Mindfulness has not removed my pain and sufferring but has provided me with choice. Before the mindfulness course I would find that an unpleasant event would trigger a stream of thoughts and feelings with little or no real thought on my part (autopilot!). The result of the unpleasant event would be obvious, inevitable and unchangeable - I knew this from experience. However, now with a greater awareness of my thoughts and feelings I find that acknowledging the unpleasant events usually removes some the negativity from the event. It isn't that the event gets forgotten or put to one side but it is like the event loses some of it's power and impact. Rather than consuming all my energy I find that other events and feelings get more room and more choices become available and I feel much more in control.

Yes. I was drinking 4,5 maybe 6 cans of diet coke a day and had attempted to give up before but never lasted more than 1 day. I'm not sure why I found that I had to drink so much of the stuff - I certainly can't say it was because it tasted so good. It might have been anxiety and stress related but whatever the reason I am very happy that in a week I drink less coke now then I would have drunk before in an average day.

The strangest thing is that this time it took no real effort to give up and I feel very confident that I won't slip back into my old habit. So, why was I able to give up this time but failed the other times? I don't really know but I like to think it is because of the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Course I am currently attending. There hasn't been anything in the course directed to this sort of problem but I feel that my increased awareness (which is nothing like I expected) has probably made it easier. I am much more forgiving of myself, more aware that nothing is permanent and more aware of what makes me happy.

iTunes U which includes topics such as Health, Science, Business and Engineering. Perhaps of most interest to visitors to my blog would be the availability of material on depression, anxiety, sleep, dreams, behaviour and even meditation. The content is provided by a host of Universities and Colleges and other organizations and much of it is of a very good quality.

 

I recommend you use the iTunes U url which should open the iTunes software on your computer and then use the Power Search from the Quick Links section. You can tell the power search to just focus on iTunes U and then enter your keywords in the description such as depression, anxiety, behaviour or bipolar. I was surprised to see the results that got returned.

Ones that might be of interest to you (I am not recommending them, just highlighting the varied range available):-

• A Mind of their own: Bipolar Disease in Children by Karen Brown (American Public Media) (audio)
  At what point do irritabilit, mood swings and tantrums in children constitute a mental illness? This program looks at three children with bipolar illness, their families, and the professionals who work with them.
• Familial Mood Disorders by Natalie L. Rasgon (Movie)
  Depression and bipolar disorders can be passed down in families but are common in women. See what can be done to treat mood disorders and associated reproductive dysfunction.
• Health Matters: What is Social Anxiety Disorder (Audio)
  
• Simple Mindfulness Exercise (Audio)
• Coping with Anxiety and Depression in Uncertain Times (Movie)
  The experience of psychological trauma is not an uncommon occurrence in today's society. Recent research indicates that severe psychological trauma can cause symptoms of persistent anxiety and depression. 

Actually, if you do find ones that you recommend it would be great if you could let me know and I'll do the same. Perhaps together we can come up with a list of really useful resources for people like us.