I am very interested in all types of religion and always welcome the opportunity to discuss peoples religious beliefs. It is fascinating to learn about how religion has shaped our history and continues to effect all of our lives. Whether it is Islam, Christianity, Dharma or Tao I find that I am in agreement with many of the core beliefs but I am still an atheist (someone who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings).

One of the religions of particular interest to me is Buddhism. At the moment I am reading "Destructive Emotions" an account of a small group of eminent psychologists, neuroscientists, and philosophers who met with the Dalai Lama and collaborated to move beyond the typical defensive response often seen when science, religion and philosophy meet. The book is a fascinating read and encouraged me to investigate a local Mindfulness based stress reduction course which I hope to attend soon. 

People seem to think that there is a conflict in that I am an athiest but I want to attend a course based on buddhist beliefs and to them I say just one thing "You don't have to be religious to benefit from religion!"

"The Third Wave" tells a story of a teacher who provides a powerful lesson about Nazi Germany and more importantly a lesson about what appears to be our natural human desires and needs. The story very much reflects my own experience and has reminded me of how my desires and needs have shaped me and effect my depression and anxiety.

Also, the Jehovah Witnesses are a frequent visitor to our doorstep and on the last visit I accepted a book (bible type thing) from them and said I would read some of it (which I have). They have also asked to come back to discuss their beliefs with me for 10 minutes which much to my parners surprise I accepted (I am an athiest). When I explained to my partner that the Jehovah Witnesses have something that I was interested in she was even more surprised but I went on to explain that they have a very strong religious belief, that many people find religion gives them strength in situations such as mine and that I might be able to learn something about this trait by listening to them. Personally, I find religion to be very much in line with the story of "The Third Wave" but I hope that how other people gain strength from religious beliefs might help me gain strength in my own beliefs (although not religous) and increase my confidence and self-esteem.

I don't have high hopes of getting much out of the meeting but not working means I have spare time during the day so I haven't got anything to lose. 

The man who wasn't from the Pru but another health insurance company visited as promised and what was meant to be approx 1 hour long took almost 2 hours.

What a lot of questions! He was very thorough and went through my family history, work history and even covered some financial things. When he wasn't sure about something he asked for more details and repeated things back to me to make sure he had understood what I was saying. He was polite and professional but you could tell from the first questions that he was working for an insurance company.

At the end of the questioning he told me I was a very interesting case and certainly not the sort of person who he would normally see in his line of work. He told me not to rush back to work but go back when I knew I was ready and the earliest this should be is at the end of my current CBT sessons (5 more weeks). He understood that I had some real problems and that they needed dealing with and that I was doing everything I could and that as much as could be done at this stage was already happenning. The most reassurng thing he said was that my employers definitely want me back. I wish I could tell you more about my employers because they have been absolutely outstanding.

One interesting thing was that I commented about my opinion that I'm not sure that the years of counselling was that helpful and he got a bit defensive. I later found out that was what he was doing before this job so I guess it wasn't surprising really. He must have also been paid well as even with the economy as it is he is moving house, he had a very nice expensive car and he was wearing what looked like a nice suit (not that I would really know I've been wearing jeans and t-shirt to work for nearly the last 10 years!).

So if an insurance company says I'm ill - I will accept that as official. If anyone was going to find out if I was a fraud, just avoiding work or something else I am sure he would have worked it out.

The man from the Pru (Health Insurance) is visiting on Thursday to do some sort of assessment. I'm not sure what he is expecting to learn that my psychiatrist hasn't already told them. She wrote them a report and answered the questions from the insurance company (all 7 of them).

I am really interested to learn what the assessment involves and if the diagnostic tools are better than those used by the local mental health people. It will be interesting to learn about his role, what he does and why. Hopefully he will be responsive to my questions and we get on OK - only problem is sometimes if I don't like the person assessing me it effects the answers I give.

On Friday I hope to report back on how things went.

I had a nice message from Clueless and amongst other things I was asked about my background and I realised I don't have a profile on my blog and haven't really discussed my past life that much. Perhaps now is a good time... let's find out...

I have been working in IT for more than 17 years and do so because I feel comfortable working with computers, enjoy problem solving and most importantly I enjoy helping people. As a child I was too scared to spend much time with my parents so when I got a computer I spent almost all my time in my bedroom programming (problem solving) and playing computer games. During my teen years I found that I was actually rather good with computers and that I could use the skill to help people and this really helped my self-esteem.

My father had spent a number of years in the Navy which fitted in very nicely with his childhood experience and he certainly decided to carry on the naval discipline at home. My mother has always been a nurse and if anyone ever needs help then she is always the first to volunteer and I have plenty of memories of her helping old ladies who had fallen over or children who were lost. At an early age my mother had lost her mother and looked after her two brothers and her father. She certainly is a caring person but my dad is a bully and she has never been able to stand up to him and he always took priority over my sister and me. She left him on more than one occasion but always went back and when we talked about this she would say that she couldn't manage with out him and it was the best thing for us all. I'm not sure I would agree as his constant strive for perfectionism in his children, lack of tolerance with childish behaviour (I wasn't even allowed to watch cartoons) and his quick temper and vocal opinions meant that most of my childhood I just tried to keep my head down. By the time I was a teenager I was pretty mixed up and missed lots of school to the extent that my parents were threatened with court action. I had problems with authority, suffered bullying from bigger children, I was a bully myself and very unhappy.At the age of 14 I stood up to my father in an argument about a Rubiks cube and watched my mum cower in her armchair whilst he threatened me and hit me. I ran out of the house and slept rough for the night until I was persuaded by my girlfriends parents to return home. For the next 7 years my father did not talk to me, if I was starting to go up the stairs he would puposefully come down them at the same time and give me a shove as we passed, my mum and sister pressured me for years to apologise to my father and try to sort things out but I felt like they were talking to the wrong person but it didn't stop the pressure.

I left high school with a few GCSEs and went on a government training scheme where I got paid a few quid for going to YTS college and doing a few days work for a local employer.Within a few months I had done 2 years worth of courses at the YTS college and my employer decided to take me on full time. The salary didn't increase but I did learn new skills and I rather enjoyed the variety in my work. Wherever I have worked I have always done well because I understand the rules and having rules that I can understand and which don't change all the time made life really easy and so work was always better than being at home. In my early twenties I met someone at work and we bought a house together, she suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and depression and I was able to help her. Soon we started talking about getting married and having a family and at this point I spoke to my Dad and explained that it would be a shame if his attitude prevented him from enjoying the experience of being a grandfather and so he changed (a bit) and we talked more (well, he spoke and I listened. I got married and the pressure was on to start a family but I just couldn't do it and became very anxious and depressed. Eventually my wife had enough and left me as she felt I would never change and she was running out of time to have children. It was really hard to make the decision not to have children but in the end I know that I done the right thing even though it ended my marriage.

Separation from my wife was difficult and my mental health plummeted and everything felt so hopeless and futile that I thought a lot about suicide. I started counselling and medication but had problems even thinking about the medication so dropped it quite quickly and kept on with the painfull counselling. The counselling helped me a bit and I started to get out more and get a bit of a social life and my best friend really helped me with this. I then met my current partne, bought a house near her and within a couple of weeks she had moved in and the next stage of my life began. I had stopped counselling but now that I was living with someone and had a new job I realized that it was important that I started counselling again and so my partner found me a counsellor who was absolutely fantastic and really helped me to explore my past and my feelings. After a while my partner and I started talking about a family and we decided to move from North London to the Cambridge area as it seemed a much nicer place to bring up a family. New job, new house and sooned followed by the birth of my twin daughters and life was good and I stopped the counselling (it was costing too much anyway) but after about 6 months I knew things were bad and I needed more help. The doctors prescribed me various medicines and got me mentally assesed but they said I had a personality problem and couldn't help me (apparently and I got this from a mental health professional, if you have a new family they believe you will learn a lot from having children and so are less likely to take you on as a case!). Having children made life quite complicated with my parents who wanted to take over and do everything (afterall they were the perfect parents!) and the relationship between my family and my partner broke down and became very stressfull. Having children bought out my perfectionism and so home and work became very stressfull for everyone and I felt like I was doing very well and that I should be doing better. Further changes in medication and another mental health assessment and I learn that I am a perfectionist and can get CBT sessions through the NHS. The CBT has been incredibly useful but 7 months ago I just broke down and have had real anxiety problems since.

OK, that was just a blast from my brain and I didn't put much thought into what I wrote but hopefully it tells you a bit more about how I got where I am.