The man who wasn't from the Pru but another health insurance company visited as promised and what was meant to be approx 1 hour long took almost 2 hours.

What a lot of questions! He was very thorough and went through my family history, work history and even covered some financial things. When he wasn't sure about something he asked for more details and repeated things back to me to make sure he had understood what I was saying. He was polite and professional but you could tell from the first questions that he was working for an insurance company.

At the end of the questioning he told me I was a very interesting case and certainly not the sort of person who he would normally see in his line of work. He told me not to rush back to work but go back when I knew I was ready and the earliest this should be is at the end of my current CBT sessons (5 more weeks). He understood that I had some real problems and that they needed dealing with and that I was doing everything I could and that as much as could be done at this stage was already happenning. The most reassurng thing he said was that my employers definitely want me back. I wish I could tell you more about my employers because they have been absolutely outstanding.

One interesting thing was that I commented about my opinion that I'm not sure that the years of counselling was that helpful and he got a bit defensive. I later found out that was what he was doing before this job so I guess it wasn't surprising really. He must have also been paid well as even with the economy as it is he is moving house, he had a very nice expensive car and he was wearing what looked like a nice suit (not that I would really know I've been wearing jeans and t-shirt to work for nearly the last 10 years!).

So if an insurance company says I'm ill - I will accept that as official. If anyone was going to find out if I was a fraud, just avoiding work or something else I am sure he would have worked it out.

The man from the Pru (Health Insurance) is visiting on Thursday to do some sort of assessment. I'm not sure what he is expecting to learn that my psychiatrist hasn't already told them. She wrote them a report and answered the questions from the insurance company (all 7 of them).

I am really interested to learn what the assessment involves and if the diagnostic tools are better than those used by the local mental health people. It will be interesting to learn about his role, what he does and why. Hopefully he will be responsive to my questions and we get on OK - only problem is sometimes if I don't like the person assessing me it effects the answers I give.

On Friday I hope to report back on how things went.

There is a story on the BBC web site called  "Mental health poll reveals stigma" based on a Poll carried out by mental health charity Rethink. It hightlights the stigma faced by people suffering from mental health disorders. The most interesting thing was that they found that family and neighbours were most likely to treat them differently and I can certainly relate to that.

When I told my parents that I had been diagnosed with depression my father with his usual wisdom declaring that I should "pull my socks up" and my mother didn't really say anything. Leaving to go to my first counselling session my mother showed interest and support whilst my father with considerable deep, thorough and mature understanding told me "they will just blame it on a bad childhood and your parents." and that I was wasting my time. My sister didn't really say anything and pretty much chose to ignore it.

Years later my father was diagnosed with depression and he was admitted to hospital, took anti-depressents and even went counselling. It is nice to think that my father learnt from my experience and so was able to get treated for depression but as soon as he felt a bit better he stopped taking the anti-depressents and counselling. He couldn't work any more and had to take early retirement and he is a nightmare to deal with but learning from my parents I remember how I felt because of my fathers reaction so I try to be as supportive as I can be (not easy!!!).

I had a nice message from Clueless and amongst other things I was asked about my background and I realised I don't have a profile on my blog and haven't really discussed my past life that much. Perhaps now is a good time... let's find out...

I have been working in IT for more than 17 years and do so because I feel comfortable working with computers, enjoy problem solving and most importantly I enjoy helping people. As a child I was too scared to spend much time with my parents so when I got a computer I spent almost all my time in my bedroom programming (problem solving) and playing computer games. During my teen years I found that I was actually rather good with computers and that I could use the skill to help people and this really helped my self-esteem.

My father had spent a number of years in the Navy which fitted in very nicely with his childhood experience and he certainly decided to carry on the naval discipline at home. My mother has always been a nurse and if anyone ever needs help then she is always the first to volunteer and I have plenty of memories of her helping old ladies who had fallen over or children who were lost. At an early age my mother had lost her mother and looked after her two brothers and her father. She certainly is a caring person but my dad is a bully and she has never been able to stand up to him and he always took priority over my sister and me. She left him on more than one occasion but always went back and when we talked about this she would say that she couldn't manage with out him and it was the best thing for us all. I'm not sure I would agree as his constant strive for perfectionism in his children, lack of tolerance with childish behaviour (I wasn't even allowed to watch cartoons) and his quick temper and vocal opinions meant that most of my childhood I just tried to keep my head down. By the time I was a teenager I was pretty mixed up and missed lots of school to the extent that my parents were threatened with court action. I had problems with authority, suffered bullying from bigger children, I was a bully myself and very unhappy.At the age of 14 I stood up to my father in an argument about a Rubiks cube and watched my mum cower in her armchair whilst he threatened me and hit me. I ran out of the house and slept rough for the night until I was persuaded by my girlfriends parents to return home. For the next 7 years my father did not talk to me, if I was starting to go up the stairs he would puposefully come down them at the same time and give me a shove as we passed, my mum and sister pressured me for years to apologise to my father and try to sort things out but I felt like they were talking to the wrong person but it didn't stop the pressure.

I left high school with a few GCSEs and went on a government training scheme where I got paid a few quid for going to YTS college and doing a few days work for a local employer.Within a few months I had done 2 years worth of courses at the YTS college and my employer decided to take me on full time. The salary didn't increase but I did learn new skills and I rather enjoyed the variety in my work. Wherever I have worked I have always done well because I understand the rules and having rules that I can understand and which don't change all the time made life really easy and so work was always better than being at home. In my early twenties I met someone at work and we bought a house together, she suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and depression and I was able to help her. Soon we started talking about getting married and having a family and at this point I spoke to my Dad and explained that it would be a shame if his attitude prevented him from enjoying the experience of being a grandfather and so he changed (a bit) and we talked more (well, he spoke and I listened. I got married and the pressure was on to start a family but I just couldn't do it and became very anxious and depressed. Eventually my wife had enough and left me as she felt I would never change and she was running out of time to have children. It was really hard to make the decision not to have children but in the end I know that I done the right thing even though it ended my marriage.

Separation from my wife was difficult and my mental health plummeted and everything felt so hopeless and futile that I thought a lot about suicide. I started counselling and medication but had problems even thinking about the medication so dropped it quite quickly and kept on with the painfull counselling. The counselling helped me a bit and I started to get out more and get a bit of a social life and my best friend really helped me with this. I then met my current partne, bought a house near her and within a couple of weeks she had moved in and the next stage of my life began. I had stopped counselling but now that I was living with someone and had a new job I realized that it was important that I started counselling again and so my partner found me a counsellor who was absolutely fantastic and really helped me to explore my past and my feelings. After a while my partner and I started talking about a family and we decided to move from North London to the Cambridge area as it seemed a much nicer place to bring up a family. New job, new house and sooned followed by the birth of my twin daughters and life was good and I stopped the counselling (it was costing too much anyway) but after about 6 months I knew things were bad and I needed more help. The doctors prescribed me various medicines and got me mentally assesed but they said I had a personality problem and couldn't help me (apparently and I got this from a mental health professional, if you have a new family they believe you will learn a lot from having children and so are less likely to take you on as a case!). Having children made life quite complicated with my parents who wanted to take over and do everything (afterall they were the perfect parents!) and the relationship between my family and my partner broke down and became very stressfull. Having children bought out my perfectionism and so home and work became very stressfull for everyone and I felt like I was doing very well and that I should be doing better. Further changes in medication and another mental health assessment and I learn that I am a perfectionist and can get CBT sessions through the NHS. The CBT has been incredibly useful but 7 months ago I just broke down and have had real anxiety problems since.

OK, that was just a blast from my brain and I didn't put much thought into what I wrote but hopefully it tells you a bit more about how I got where I am. 

The last couple of weeks have been interesting. As my depression has gone my anxiety has increased and become quite bad, making life quite different from before.

When my depression got worse I found myself blogging more but with the anxiety getting worse I found completely the opposite. This was mainly due to my "bouncing around" where I could not keep focused on one thing for more than 5-10 minutes. This made meditation virtually impossible and sleeping was a nightmare (excuse the pun). Getting to sleep would take hours and even when I managed to get to sleep I kept waking up. During the day I just didn't know what to do with myself and this was causing me even more anxiety.

The doctor had prescribed me 2 Lorazapam twice a day and 1 Fluoxetine at night. The Lorazapam had previously made a difference but this time didn't seem to be helping much other than helping me get at least some sleep. The Fluoxetine certainly helps with my depression but the Psychiatrist says that taking it at night may be preventing me from sleeping well. I have lost half a stone in weight in the last couple of weeks!

So, the Psychiatrist has changed my medication so that I am gradually coming off the Lorazapam by taking one less each week. I am now on 2 x Fluoxetine and also 1 x Trazodone. The idea being that the increased Fluoxetine should help with the anxiety and the Trazodone help me to sleep. I can happily report that since the change in medicaton I am no longer bouncing around like before and my sleep has improved but I am lightheaded and sometimes dizzy and unfortunately the lost weight has gone straight back on within a week!

As for my CBT sessions they were going to stop them and review them in 3 months to see if they would still be beneficial. After a talk involving the Psychiatrist and the CBT chap I have been offered a further 6 sessions to try to overcome some of my new anxiety related issues. Personally, I feel that the CBT is being withdrawn as my condition would take up too much resources. The CBT chap has already said that my issues are related to my core beliefs and that these take the longest to deal with as they have been built up over quite a few years.

I'll try and blog more now that my anxiety is coming down...

Photo Credit: naraosga